It's scary when you know what happened in the past that made you the kind of person you are. I know my flaws and I wasn't afraid to show them that I am aware of its existence. My childhood stage really shaped me into the kind of person I am today. There are some things that were lacked, some that were excessive, most of our childhood aren't perfect and that's totally fine.
It was the first time I've told anyone that I wanted to be loved. Up front, straight forward. It was until then...I was finally able to finally loosen the bandage and show the scars.
When the words fell upon, "he'd always tell them he loves them but I've never heard him say that he loves me"....my head tells me to criticize him, but my voice gave away the emotions I have kept in for so long. My voice was shaking at "say that he loves me". To be honest, that surprised me.
I've been brushing it off like it wasn't a big deal. All I ever wanted was for him to love me as much as he loved the others. All I wanted is for him to say "well done, you are a good child". I never seemed to live up to his standards. Ever had that feeling of rejection as you look at your loved one, caring and loving everyone else but you?
You never allowed me to show my weak side. You taught me to keep my emotions to myself. Do not cry. I still remember distinctively the first and the only time I've cried in front of you. You told me that only weak people cry. You ordered me to stop. Do not voice opinions. Opinions are only allowed for the ones who have contributed and given more than taken. Do not act affectionate for attention for my needs because that's what spoiled children do. Again and again, you'd tell me you despise spoiled children. You'd tell me I was spoiled when I woke up a few hours late on the weekend. How ironic, why is it perfectly fine for anyone else to do it? and for you to return that same level of affectionate back to them? Yet I wasn't allowed be a part of that?
Years later. I am criticized for not being able to act affectionate to them. You know what, I just couldn't do it.
"aiiya if maggie could 撒嬌 that'll be good" "she doesn't know how to"
Speak of me as the stupid one who doesn't know how to get on people's good sides.
I can't bring myself to do it naturally. Especially to the group of people who've once forbid me to do so. It's the way I've been structured, programmed. I know the issue with my flaw but the real obstacle is that I've identified that behaviour as my enemy's behaviour.
Until I'm out of my mind, I would never want to behave like my enemies.
wtf 寫著寫著,眼淚又掉下來了
I'm sorry if gave herpes to your eyes. I have to admit this post is not my usual ones. No need to get use to it!! :D